viola nation 
28-03-2024 02:04
28-03-2024 02:04
Assigning DnD classes to every Fiorentina player
Here’s the thing: I get really bored during international breaks. Fiorentina’s the only team I care all that much about. As a result, these fortnights are bad for me. My brain basically destabilizes and ends up in weird places, places which have spawned articles like this or this in the past.
My Dungeons and Dragons group didn’t meet this weekend because several of us had a bunch of extra work to get through. That means I didn’t get my fix of rolling the dice and have thus had DnD on the brain for the past several days. You know where this is going. I’ll just say that I chose not to involve races because that’s dicey at the best of times. I’m using the standard classes, with subclasses from the Player’s Handbook, Tasha’s College of Everything, and Xanathar’s Guide to Everything.
If you’re not a DnD person, I suggest you become one. Collaborative storytelling is really fun and the game’s mechanics mean you can do all kinds of goofy stuff that you wouldn’t usually associate with the classic game as seen in, say, Stranger Things. I’m also sticking to some of the better-known subclasses; check RPGBot for the list. Anyways, let’s dive in. Pietro Terracciano: Hunter Ranger
My first thought for the World’s Funnest Dad is that he’s some sort of Cleric, probably a healer, but I ended up going with a Ranger for him. He’s always out there, rarely noticeable until he’s very noticeable, and steady as anything.
Oliver Christensen: Path of the Berserker Barbarian
This is the classic Barbarian build. Basically, the character gets to go into a rage and deal extra damage for a set period of time, while also getting a huge boost to intimidation. Ollie’s penalty shootout antics got me thinking of the latter. He’s something primal, wild, and simple.
Nikola Milenković: Oath of the Crown Paladin
A holy warrior who gets inspiration from a divinity and who, in tactical terms, is good at absorbing damage to protect other members of the party, feels appropriate for a massive defender. The Oath of the Crown subclass intensifies those abilities; it’s for those who fight against chaos, which is what the Mountain all too often has to do. Also, people always find Paladins boring, just as we often underestimate just how good Nihola really is.
Luca Ranieri: Swashbuckler Rogue
Rogues are usually sneaky, but the Swashbuckler subclass is all about charisma and duels. For a guy who plays with so much personality and loves a sliding challenge in space, that’s Luca to a tee.
Lucas Martínez Quarta: Path of the Beast Barbarian
All the usual Barbarian stuff combines with a little bit of shapeshifting, which is LMQ. Sure, he looks like a defender, but when he really gets going, his inner nature emerges and we realize that he’s actually a center forward.
Cristiano Biraghi: School of Evocation Wizard
Wizards can do a lot of damage but their low hit points mean they’re vulnerable in defense. The School of Evocation basically lets you spam the same attack over and over again. I mean, c’mon.
Fabiano Parisi: School of Conjuration Wizard
Many magic users are glass cannons, or characters that can deal a lot of damage but can’t really absorb many hits. That fits Parisi’s attacking nature. The School of Conjuration has a bunch of fun teleportation stuff that lines up pretty well with his pace and trickiness on the ball.
Dodô: College of Creation Bard
Bards are all about charisma and performance, and I can’t imagine a better fit on this team than Dodô’s big smiles, creative hair colors, and occasionally performative tumbles.
Michael Kayode: Way of Mercy Monk
The Way of Mercy gives the Monk some healing abilities, allowing them to revive teammates. That feels spot on for a guy who’s already shown a specialization in goal line clearances. Monks are also good, albeit occasionally haphazard, offensive characters, and get a bunch of cool physical abilities.
Davide Faraoni: Twilight Domain Cleric
Clerics tend to be very good healers, so they’re very useful in any party. Faraoni’s veteran presence and cagey defending feel about right here, but the Twilight Domain also throws some useful attacking wrinkles into the class too.
Arthur Melo: Trickery Domain Cleric
Clerics are usually about serving a god and helping others, and the Trickery Domain Cleric does that. The god just happens to be a mischief maker, granting the character a bunch of different ways to deceive opponents. Arthur’s twists and turns are exactly that, and the chaotic nature of his deity fits his loanee status too.
Alfred Duncan: Way of the Drunken Master Monk
I’m not saying that Alf has a problem. Let’s make that very clear. But a Drunken Master Monk does what he does so well, which is look harmless and somehow slip through crowds of enemies unscathed while dealing combinations of damage. Add in the emphasis on Wisdom and Intelligence and you’ve got a smart, versatile, and underrated character.
Rolando Mandragora: Samurai Fighter
The Fighter is a pretty basic class that does exactly what you’d expect, which is, well, go out and hit things. The Samurai subclass narrows that focus even further, turning the character into one that can do massive damage occasionally but not much else.
Maxime Lopez: Alchemist Artificer
Not suited to dealing a ton of damage, the Artificer fights by creating mechanisms to do the combat stuff for them. Basically, it’s for clever little schemers. The Alchemist subclass really leans into that, operating more as a support class to help out teammates than to do anything crazy itself.
Giacomo Bonaventura: Circle of the Moon Druid
Druids are shape shifters and spellcasters and Circle of the Moon makes them even shiftier. Jack is the master of the body feint and has filled in as a holding midfielder, box-to-box midfielder, trequartista, and left winger this year. He’s the shapeshiftiest guy on the roster.
Antonín Barák: Assassin Rogue
Rogues are all about vanishing from combats before popping up to deal debilitating blows, and the Assassin subclass intensifies those qualities. Feels spot on for a guy like Barák, whom opponents never seem to notice until it’s too late.
Nicolás González: Archfey Warlock
Warlocks are glass cannons with a lot of charisma. Capable of dealing absurd amounts of magical damage, they’re frequently the most potent attackers in a party. The Archfey adds in Misty Escape, which allows the player to zip around battlefields, and some other abilities to send opponents into states of confusion.
Christian Kouamé: Oath of the Ancients Paladin
Chris is about as law-abiding as they come, having kept his head down through multiple Viola regimes and somehow emerged as not just a key cog but an AFCON winner, so a Paladin feels right. Oath of the Ancients adds the ability to cover a lot of ground to the usual Paladin smashy stuff, which checks out for the team’s best defensive winger.
Jonathan Ikoné: Wild Magic Sorcerer
Every time you cast a spell, you roll to see if something wacky happens when you cast a spell. You might cast a fireball on your entire party. You might turn yourself invincible for a little while. You might summon a potted houseplant that floats around behind you forever. No logic, just vibes. #ChaosJonny incarnate. Beautiful.
Riccardo Sottil: College of Glamor Bard
First and foremost, Ricky’s just glamorous. So handsome. So handsome. If you need any other reasons, well, the College of Glamor uses a lot of different charms to get on people’s good sides. Given Sottil’s predilection for theatrical collapses, it feels about right.
Andrea Belotti: Champion Fighter
The Champion is the classic Fighter build. It’s focused on doing as much damage as possible but doesn’t allow for much else. A good Fighter can engage enemies, allowing more powerful members of the party to get in more powerful attacks. Until il Gallo starts scoring more, that’s what he is.
Lucas Beltrán: Circle of Spores Druid
I thought about a Barbarian for el Vikingo but that felt way too obvious. Besides being really fun, Circle of Spores gives the Druid a bunch of combat options that aren’t based on changing into various critters. That kind of versatility felt about right.
M’Bala Nzola: Storm Sorcerer
The Storm Sorcerer is super useful when you’re playing a campaign that sees you spend a lot of time on boats. If you’re on dry land, though, it’s a lot less useful. Poor Nzola’s move from coastal Spezia to landlocked Florence mirrors that divide. If anyone wants to suggest a party of 5 in the comments, I’m listening. If anyone wants to DM that campaign, I am all the way on board. If you’ve got even the slightest response to this idiocy, you’re probably the same kind of dork as me. If not, well, I should have a preview for the AC Milan game ready to go for tomorrow.
My Dungeons and Dragons group didn’t meet this weekend because several of us had a bunch of extra work to get through. That means I didn’t get my fix of rolling the dice and have thus had DnD on the brain for the past several days. You know where this is going. I’ll just say that I chose not to involve races because that’s dicey at the best of times. I’m using the standard classes, with subclasses from the Player’s Handbook, Tasha’s College of Everything, and Xanathar’s Guide to Everything.
If you’re not a DnD person, I suggest you become one. Collaborative storytelling is really fun and the game’s mechanics mean you can do all kinds of goofy stuff that you wouldn’t usually associate with the classic game as seen in, say, Stranger Things. I’m also sticking to some of the better-known subclasses; check RPGBot for the list. Anyways, let’s dive in. Pietro Terracciano: Hunter Ranger
My first thought for the World’s Funnest Dad is that he’s some sort of Cleric, probably a healer, but I ended up going with a Ranger for him. He’s always out there, rarely noticeable until he’s very noticeable, and steady as anything.
Oliver Christensen: Path of the Berserker Barbarian
This is the classic Barbarian build. Basically, the character gets to go into a rage and deal extra damage for a set period of time, while also getting a huge boost to intimidation. Ollie’s penalty shootout antics got me thinking of the latter. He’s something primal, wild, and simple.
Nikola Milenković: Oath of the Crown Paladin
A holy warrior who gets inspiration from a divinity and who, in tactical terms, is good at absorbing damage to protect other members of the party, feels appropriate for a massive defender. The Oath of the Crown subclass intensifies those abilities; it’s for those who fight against chaos, which is what the Mountain all too often has to do. Also, people always find Paladins boring, just as we often underestimate just how good Nihola really is.
Luca Ranieri: Swashbuckler Rogue
Rogues are usually sneaky, but the Swashbuckler subclass is all about charisma and duels. For a guy who plays with so much personality and loves a sliding challenge in space, that’s Luca to a tee.
Lucas Martínez Quarta: Path of the Beast Barbarian
All the usual Barbarian stuff combines with a little bit of shapeshifting, which is LMQ. Sure, he looks like a defender, but when he really gets going, his inner nature emerges and we realize that he’s actually a center forward.
Cristiano Biraghi: School of Evocation Wizard
Wizards can do a lot of damage but their low hit points mean they’re vulnerable in defense. The School of Evocation basically lets you spam the same attack over and over again. I mean, c’mon.
Fabiano Parisi: School of Conjuration Wizard
Many magic users are glass cannons, or characters that can deal a lot of damage but can’t really absorb many hits. That fits Parisi’s attacking nature. The School of Conjuration has a bunch of fun teleportation stuff that lines up pretty well with his pace and trickiness on the ball.
Dodô: College of Creation Bard
Bards are all about charisma and performance, and I can’t imagine a better fit on this team than Dodô’s big smiles, creative hair colors, and occasionally performative tumbles.
Michael Kayode: Way of Mercy Monk
The Way of Mercy gives the Monk some healing abilities, allowing them to revive teammates. That feels spot on for a guy who’s already shown a specialization in goal line clearances. Monks are also good, albeit occasionally haphazard, offensive characters, and get a bunch of cool physical abilities.
Davide Faraoni: Twilight Domain Cleric
Clerics tend to be very good healers, so they’re very useful in any party. Faraoni’s veteran presence and cagey defending feel about right here, but the Twilight Domain also throws some useful attacking wrinkles into the class too.
Arthur Melo: Trickery Domain Cleric
Clerics are usually about serving a god and helping others, and the Trickery Domain Cleric does that. The god just happens to be a mischief maker, granting the character a bunch of different ways to deceive opponents. Arthur’s twists and turns are exactly that, and the chaotic nature of his deity fits his loanee status too.
Alfred Duncan: Way of the Drunken Master Monk
I’m not saying that Alf has a problem. Let’s make that very clear. But a Drunken Master Monk does what he does so well, which is look harmless and somehow slip through crowds of enemies unscathed while dealing combinations of damage. Add in the emphasis on Wisdom and Intelligence and you’ve got a smart, versatile, and underrated character.
Rolando Mandragora: Samurai Fighter
The Fighter is a pretty basic class that does exactly what you’d expect, which is, well, go out and hit things. The Samurai subclass narrows that focus even further, turning the character into one that can do massive damage occasionally but not much else.
Maxime Lopez: Alchemist Artificer
Not suited to dealing a ton of damage, the Artificer fights by creating mechanisms to do the combat stuff for them. Basically, it’s for clever little schemers. The Alchemist subclass really leans into that, operating more as a support class to help out teammates than to do anything crazy itself.
Giacomo Bonaventura: Circle of the Moon Druid
Druids are shape shifters and spellcasters and Circle of the Moon makes them even shiftier. Jack is the master of the body feint and has filled in as a holding midfielder, box-to-box midfielder, trequartista, and left winger this year. He’s the shapeshiftiest guy on the roster.
Antonín Barák: Assassin Rogue
Rogues are all about vanishing from combats before popping up to deal debilitating blows, and the Assassin subclass intensifies those qualities. Feels spot on for a guy like Barák, whom opponents never seem to notice until it’s too late.
Nicolás González: Archfey Warlock
Warlocks are glass cannons with a lot of charisma. Capable of dealing absurd amounts of magical damage, they’re frequently the most potent attackers in a party. The Archfey adds in Misty Escape, which allows the player to zip around battlefields, and some other abilities to send opponents into states of confusion.
Christian Kouamé: Oath of the Ancients Paladin
Chris is about as law-abiding as they come, having kept his head down through multiple Viola regimes and somehow emerged as not just a key cog but an AFCON winner, so a Paladin feels right. Oath of the Ancients adds the ability to cover a lot of ground to the usual Paladin smashy stuff, which checks out for the team’s best defensive winger.
Jonathan Ikoné: Wild Magic Sorcerer
Every time you cast a spell, you roll to see if something wacky happens when you cast a spell. You might cast a fireball on your entire party. You might turn yourself invincible for a little while. You might summon a potted houseplant that floats around behind you forever. No logic, just vibes. #ChaosJonny incarnate. Beautiful.
Riccardo Sottil: College of Glamor Bard
First and foremost, Ricky’s just glamorous. So handsome. So handsome. If you need any other reasons, well, the College of Glamor uses a lot of different charms to get on people’s good sides. Given Sottil’s predilection for theatrical collapses, it feels about right.
Andrea Belotti: Champion Fighter
The Champion is the classic Fighter build. It’s focused on doing as much damage as possible but doesn’t allow for much else. A good Fighter can engage enemies, allowing more powerful members of the party to get in more powerful attacks. Until il Gallo starts scoring more, that’s what he is.
Lucas Beltrán: Circle of Spores Druid
I thought about a Barbarian for el Vikingo but that felt way too obvious. Besides being really fun, Circle of Spores gives the Druid a bunch of combat options that aren’t based on changing into various critters. That kind of versatility felt about right.
M’Bala Nzola: Storm Sorcerer
The Storm Sorcerer is super useful when you’re playing a campaign that sees you spend a lot of time on boats. If you’re on dry land, though, it’s a lot less useful. Poor Nzola’s move from coastal Spezia to landlocked Florence mirrors that divide. If anyone wants to suggest a party of 5 in the comments, I’m listening. If anyone wants to DM that campaign, I am all the way on board. If you’ve got even the slightest response to this idiocy, you’re probably the same kind of dork as me. If not, well, I should have a preview for the AC Milan game ready to go for tomorrow.